Week 20 & 21 Love

What if. . .

You may have noticed there was no post last week, and this week's post is already late. Ironically, I knew what I needed to write about last week. I even started the post and saved an outline of the content as a draft. . . .and then let it sit there all week. Because honestly, I didn't want to talk about it. I STILL don't want to talk about it. I thought about just writing off the missing week 20 post with some cute, flippant excuse. But when I sat down to write the post for week 21, I quickly realized that I wasn't going to be able to move on to any other subject until what I was struggling with made it from my head to this blog. So what's so important that it's getting two weeks worth of blog posts?

The What If Game

Can we all just take a moment and agree that this is the worst game ever? No one ever wins the What If game. And yet, WE ALL KEEP PLAYING IT! I've been playing (or should I say losing) the What If game non stop the last few weeks. I've been thinking about all of the profound realizations I've come to since starting this blog. Embracing the amazing transformations and growth I've seen in myself along the way, and reveling in the wonderful feeling that comes from loving yourself, and your life, just as you are in that very minute. And then, all of a sudden, there it is. . .what if.

The What If game is the most dangerous when you play it with your past. My personal version of the game right now is "What if. . .I had been the person I am now back then?". This round of the game has taken me down all kinds of roads lately, none of them good. I've been questioning how decisions, opportunities, and relationships in my past might have been different if I was who I am now, back then. I've been wondering what I have missed out on while not being true to myself. Would I have chosen the path of success as defined by others in an attempt to win approval? Would I have taken that amazing job opportunity that I was too afraid would reveal me as a failure? Would I be sharing my life with some of the most amazing, spiritual people I have ever met? And most painful of all, if I was the person I am now back then, would he have fallen in love with me?

The What If game is cruel. And it is counterproductive to everything this blog is about. Everything in my past, the questionable choices, missed opportunities, broken relationships, and unrequited love have ALL made me the person I am today. I could not be who I am today if those things had not happened. So how could I possibly have been the "new" me back then? And even if, in some twisted universe, it WAS possible, whose to say the outcome of all of those things wouldn't be the same? Or even worse? Where would that leave the "new" me? I'll tell you where. . .back in the trunk. (if you aren't following, read my first blog post Who Do You Love?)

We can love our old self, and we can love our new self. The past was a catalyst for the creation of our new self. Let's do that new self justice by focusing on the amazing life unfolding before us.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 19 Love

Take a break. . .

This week's post follows on the heels of the last one when I talked about knowing your worth and pushing your limits. This past week I took a break. . .and went on vacation. Granted, I didn't actually go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary. But I'll tell you what I DIDN'T do, and that's go to work. And in my mind, anytime I'm not at work that's vacation enough.

This vacation wasn't planned. In fact, it was very last minute. And probably the much needed result of being pushed to my limit. Sometimes you need to just step back, take a break, and recharge your batteries. I think a spur of the moment vacation is just the thing to do that.

Sometimes when we plan a vacation in advance we jam pack it with things to do, places to go, and people to see. It's often after those types of vacations that I feel like I need another vacation! So last week it was nice to have a few days where I really had no plans. When you have no plans, responsibilities, or tasks for a day the day suddenly becomes full of possibilities. You can choose to do absolutely anything that you feel like doing that day. It's a good way to explore what really makes you happy and what you really love to do. After all, you aren't going to work and you have no other errands that must be completed. So obviously whatever you choose to do is going to be something that you enjoy. I'll admit, sometimes what I want to do most is spend the entire day in my pajamas on the couch watching TV between naps. But that usually means I need some serious recharging before I can even choose to do something enjoyable.

So go ahead. Take a break. And remind yourself, or maybe figure out for the first time ever, how you would spend your days if you didn't have to work and had no responsibilities. Who knows, this may be the first step to turning what you find you love to do INTO your work and responsibilities!  

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 18 Love

Know your worth. . .and your limits

I bet some of you thought the week 18 post was going to find itself in the black hole. I know it's late, but I wanted to try to get back onto a Sunday post day to finish out the week.

Over the last week or so, there have been moments, people, articles, random quotes, and other things that have reminded me of my worth. And once I was reminded, I was a little upset with myself that I had forgotten. Why is it that we let a person, a job, a situation, the world in general, cut us down and make us start forgetting our own worth? Why do we fail to know our limits and stand our ground?

I don't know why this happens, but I do know that by the time we remember our worth, we've usually been pushed way past our limits. We would serve ourselves well, not to mention save ourselves a world of hurt, pain, stress, or any other number of things, if we would not lose sight of our worth in the first place.

Know your worth, and your limits. Don't sell yourself short, and don't let anyone else do it either.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 17 Love

The Purge. . .

I have a lot of stuff, and a small house. I'll admit that I can be a bit of a pack rat. But let's be clear on one thing, I am NOT a hoarder. If I ever get close to that status I hope that one of my friends will hold an intervention for me!

They say that there is a correlation between the clutter/cleanliness of your living environment and your mental/emotional state. I have found this to be very true. I'm definitely not the tidiest person, but I try to keep things somewhat in order at home. . .ok try but often fail. What normally happens is that I let the place go until one day I look around and think "OMG, I can't stand this! How did this happen?" And then I go on a cleaning/de-cluttering spree. Unfortunately, de-cluttering often means just moving the clutter into a closet or drawer or somewhere unseen. That usually works for awhile. But every now and then I get this overwhelming need to purge.

The purge urge struck last week. . .big time. All of a sudden I felt completely claustrophobic and overwhelmed by "stuff". I started tackling a couple of those places where clutter usually goes after I have de-cluttered. Like that one shelf in the bathroom cabinet that contains all of the things that I haven't touched in over a year. That broken eye shadow that is also missing the applicator brush? Yeah, I don't need that.

I purged a couple of these small areas last week and immediately started to feel better about my life in general. There are many places left to tackle, but thankfully I am still motivated. It must be because it is making me feel better! What better motivation is there?

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 16 Love

Explore the possibilities. . .

Let's talk about week 15, and the fact that there is, again, no blog post for that week. I'm not going to pretend I don't know why I didn't write a post. And I'm not going to make up some fake excuse for not writing it either. Here's the blunt truth about week 15. . .I moved out of the driver's seat and into the passenger seat of my own life. I don't think I made it to the back seat, and I most certainly didn't get anywhere near the trunk. But I definitely shifted into a passive passenger. If you aren't following the analogy, check out my first blog post here. . . Who do you love?

I feel that I am on the brink of another major life change. And there is part of me, a part of the new me, that is excited and ready for this change. But at the same time, the old part of me is scared shitless to even consider the idea of this change. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always been the kind of person who is deep rooted in comfort zones. Why do we develop comfort zones? And what is it about the unknown that makes it so scary? I have faced a few scary unknowns recently. Granted I didn't really choose to face them, more like I was forced to face them. . .or die in the trunk. But you know what? So far, I've come out better on the other side. One would think I would learn from that and use it as ammunition when facing the next unknown major life change. Instead, when week 15 rolled around I vacated the driver's seat, curled up in the passenger seat, took my eyes off the road, and shut down.

Thank goodness it didn't last too long. By the time week 16 rolled around, I had decided that shutting down wasn't the best option. Once I thought about it, I determined that comfort zones are much more about "familiarity" than they are about "comfort".  And I quickly realized that my current comfort zone, although very familiar, is anything but comfortable.

So I started exploring the possibilities of this new life change. Really exploring them. And I found that I became more excited about the possibilities and directions in which my life could go, and less scared of the fact that the possibilities and directions are uncertain.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 14 Love

Love every minute of it. . .

We buried my grandmother today. There's something about seeing your father break (even if just for a moment) over the loss of his mother that leaves a scar on your heart unlike any other hurt you'll ever experience. The last two days have been emotionally and physically exhausting.

All I have in me to say right now is this. . .love every minute of it. Life is short. And whether or not you choose to acknowledge it, your days are numbered. Your number may be 85 like my grandmother's. It could be 62, perhaps 29. Your number might even be today. Are you loving every minute of it?

Now I know you can't actually love every minute of it. Some minutes are hard, like laying a loved one to rest. And some minutes are just obnoxious, like mowing the lawn. I don't love either of those minutes. But I have to look at them in relation to the life path that I am on. Am I loving this path? Are there enough minutes I love on this path to outweigh the hard and obnoxious minutes? If not, something is most definitely wrong. And I think that's something we all need to assess in our life on a regular basis.

As we recounted the life of my grandmother today, it helped reaffirm the importance of the assessment I am doing of my own life. For me, this blog has been key in helping me to assess the minutes on my path. It has empowered me to change my path in an attempt to restore the balance of hard/obnoxious and amazingly loved minutes in my life.

Because let's face it, if you aren't loving every minute of it, are you really even living?

In memory of

Esther Gertrude Marsh

July 18, 1927 - May 24, 2013 



Week 13 Love

Morning has broken. . .early

It's a late post again for week 13. I'm trying to decide whether to be upset with myself due to the fact it's so late it's almost time for week 14 or, tell myself it's really not a big deal and I can write the posts whenever I want. I think I'm going with the later. . .because I'm tired.

I've been overly tired the last week or so. I think it has something to do with a puppy who is an early riser, and myself. . .who is most definitely not. We've seen as early as 5:30am, on a weekend. I love my puppy, but I've never loved early mornings. And most of these mornings that we've been up early have resulted in us taking a nap by 8am. That being said, I may be finding a new appreciate for rising early.

For one thing, there is SO MUCH MORE day when you are up early! This is both a blessing and a curse though. It makes for a long tiring work day (where they frown on naps), but it also makes for a lot more time to do things on the weekends (when naps are perfectly acceptable). I love having the weekends feel longer.

I have also found that getting up early (and not snoozing through 7 alarm cycles) makes you feel less tired in the morning overall. Not to mention, there is something sort of magical about the world in that early morning hour. It's more still, and quiet. The light is soft as the day is just breaking. And the air is. . I don't know. . .different. At least in the warm weather it is. I imagine in the winter the air is the same (cold as shit) no matter what time of day it is.

For never having been a morning person, I am starting to feel a new appreciation for the morning hour. That's not to say I want to see it EVERY morning. . .let's be reasonable now. I hope eventually Banjo will learn to share my appreciation for sleeping in. At least occasionally.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 12 Love

Puppy love. . .

First off, if you're looking for the post from week 11, it's with the post from week 7. . .which is not on this blog. I don't really have a good excuse for missing week 11. In fact, I even had most of the post written in my head. But I was tired, and distracted, and procrastinated writing it. Yes, procrastination is one of my talents. And before I knew it, week 12 was not only upon me, but almost over. Consequently, no week 11 post. And week 12's post is later than my usual goal (Sunday evening). So let's get to it.

Puppy love. Is there anything better? And I'm not talking about awkward, pre teen, do you want to be my girlfriend (or boyfriend) check yes or no, love. I'm talking about wet nose kisses, fluffy cuteness, puppy breath love. Not only did I spend a bunch of time playing with the most ridiculously cute puppy last week, I brought him home with me. . .to stay.  

There are people I know that think this was a spontaneous, not well thought out, overall bad idea. And if I am totally honest with myself, I have had those thoughts myself. But I think those thoughts originate in my mind because of the fear of how others will judge my decision to get a puppy, and the fear that maybe everyone else is right and I am wrong.

When I really stop and think about it, these thoughts in my head actually have nothing to do with getting a puppy, and everything to do with self doubt, pleasing others, and finding myself a place in the trunk of my own life. The very things I am try to correct and heal in my life. As I have come to this realization, my thoughts of "Was this a huge mistake? Was everyone else right? Am I going to fail this dog and myself?" are receding. And instead I am looking forward with confidence and excitement in this relationship with my new fur baby.

His name is Banjo, and I'm very glad I brought him home with me. He is a good, smart, fun dog. And if that isn't enough. . .his cuteness is almost unbearable. 

How have you loved yourself this week?

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Week 10 Love

You're beautiful. . .

For some reason this past week, I had an intense desire to be beautiful. I don't really know where it came from, but I just REALLY wanted to be beautiful. . .and I didn't feel it at all. It was depressing really. But after moping about it for a day or two, I decided to try to find beauty in myself. And suddenly, there were messages of beauty all over the place! Here are just a few. . .

I follow a blog called The Daily Love. If you haven't checked it out, you should. It's good stuff. And this week, one of the blogs featured the Dove Real Beauty Sketches video. Now, I've seen the video posted on Facebook walls for a couple weeks and kept meaning to watch it, but never got around to it. And then it showed up. . .this week when I desperately needed to feel beautiful. . .on a blog that I read daily. Coincidence? I think not. If you haven't yet watched this video, I'm urging you to watch it now. It is amazing and moving and so very, very true. Here is the link http://realbeautysketches.dove.us/

Watching that video made me feel a little more beautiful (and also made me want to buy every product Dove has ever made to support them!). But it didn't stop there. There were numerous Facebook and Pinterest quotes regarding beauty that popped up this week and spoke to me as well. Especially this one. . . .

Sometimes people are beautiful.

Not in looks.

Not in what they say.

Just in what they are.

   -Markus Zusak

I was starting to feel even more beautiful as the week went on and as I reminded myself that beauty comes mostly from within. Beauty on the outside has little lasting effect if it has nothing to back it up on the inside. Beauty is not just how you look, it's something that you ARE.

I was feeling much better about myself and my beauty by the end of the week. Saturday night I went out with some friends to celebrate a friend who graduated with his Master's degree. Another friend snapped a picture of the two of us laughing and having fun. I immediately thought to myself, "Oh man, I bet that picture looks terrible. I hate it when people take my picture. They always turn out awful." Wouldn't you know it, when I looked at the picture I saw a beautiful girl smiling back at me. What a pleasant surprise.

How have you loved yourself this week?  

Week 9 Love

H2O

It rained here over the last week. . . .a lot. So much in fact, that our city and surrounding suburbs are experiencing the worst flooding they've seen in 100 years. I've only seen flooding like this on the world news. . .in other states and countries. Never so close to home. I'm sick of rain, I'm upset about the flooding, and I'm irritated with water in general. So why in the world did I pick this week to start drinking more of it? Coincidence or irony?

Our bodies are 50-70 percent water (give or take). That sort of blows my mind if I really stop to think about it. How am I not sloshing around under my skin like a water balloon? I know I don't drink enough water. And I know that contributes to some of my underlying digestive, skin, mental, and probably a slew of other issues I don't even know about. There are days where I MIGHT drink one 12-16 ounce glass of water. . .total. . .all day. No wonder my body hates me sometimes!

This week I have been working hard to increase the amount of water I'm drinking. I didn't make a specific goal, and I'm not counting the number of ounces I'm drinking. I'm just trying to have water with me at all times and make a conscious effort to take a few sips every now and then. Mind you, I'm not actually thirsty (well, technically my body is probably shriveling up inside) so this is somewhat difficult. The glass will be sitting there next to me, half empty and almost room temperature because I've been nursing it for an hour or more. I'll look at it, sigh, and then tell myself I should just chug the glass because then I won't need to sip again for awhile. I end up forcing myself to drink it while saying "This is good for you. It's going to make you feel better". It's a little ridiculous really, how big a deal I make of it.

It has gotten easier after a few days. I take much bigger swallows of water at a time now and it's easier to do it more often. It's becoming more of a habit to have water on hand and just randomly take drinks of it. And I can tell that my body is starting to hate me a little less now that I am attempting to water it sufficiently. Although, it has also caused a LOT more trips to the bathroom! *sigh* Speaking of which, I need to pee. . .and re fill my water glass.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 8 Love

My decisions are ok. . .

For those of you that have been following along, you may wonder what happened to Week 7. Yeah, me too. So, here's what happened, I stopped being intentional. I stopped paying attention to myself and how I was treating myself and if I was loving myself. And then when it got around time to blog about Week 7 love, well, I had nothin. And that's when I realized that I need to be intentional about this challenge.

I've made a lot of life changing decisions the last few months. And my opinion on a lot of things has changed. I have friends and family that don't necessarily agree with these decisions and opinions. And that's perfectly ok. After all, we are all entitled to make our own decisions based on whatever factors we choose in helping us to make that decision. And we are all entitled to our own opinion on all matters. What's NOT ok is when I start to second guess my decisions and opinions (or worse yet, make them) based on what other's think. That's how I ended up in the trunk in the first place. If you're wondering what that means, you probably haven't read my first post "Who do you love?".  If you haven't, I urge you to take a minute and do so.

Over the last week or so I have been questioning some of my decisions. Not only that, but I have spent time wondering if I had done or said things differently, or been a different person, if certain situations from my past would have had different outcomes. After I had let myself revert down this destructive (yet all too familiar) path for awhile, I started to analyze what was really happening. And here's what I came up with. . .criticism, blame, and fear. Criticism and blame, of myself for the negative things that have happened to me in my life. . .which ultimately lead to the fear. The fear that I am not capable of of making decisions, having opinions, and living a life on my own that will lead to positive outcomes in my future. 

No one has walked in my shoes. And no one has felt what I feel. I am not naive enough to think that no one has gone through similar situations as mine. Of course they have. Millions of people most likely. But MY shoes, and MY feelings are mine and mine alone. For better or worse, these shoes and feelings contribute to my opinion and decision making. The opinions and advice of friends and family can be contributing factors as well. But that advice comes without them wearing my shoes or having my feelings. If my friends and family could experience those, would their advice be different? Would their decision?

I say all of this to remind myself that no one is more capable of making a decision about my life than I am. And I need to work hard to remember this. I need to love myself and trust myself enough to know that I shouldn't second guess my choices when someone disagrees with them. They may not always be the right choices, but they are mine to make. And I will own them.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 6 Love

Cracked. . .

Sometimes love means doing something you don't really want to do, but know you should do. Last week's love act fell somewhere in that general category. But shortly after I got started. . .I knew I had made the right choice. Ladies and gentleman, last week I went to the chiropractor.

Some of you may be thinking, "Big deal. It's just the chiropractor." Oh yes, it was a big deal. There are people close to me that know I have been terrified of chiropractors for as long as I can remember. Mind you, I had never actually been to see one. I was just terrified by the whole concept. Cracking and breaking of bones?! Ok, there's no breaking. But what if they do?! What if I can't relax and my neck actually breaks when they try to crack it? For crying out loud, I have trouble relaxing during a massage! How in the world would I be able to relax enough for a chiropractor to crack my neck? 

Ironically, it started out with a massage. It was a Living Social deal for a one hour massage at a chiropractic office. I bought it with the sole intention of trying to ease myself into becoming comfortable enough with a chiropractor that I would allow one to attempt to adjust me. It worked. I had a pleasant conversation with the chiropractor. Who, surprisingly enough, was able to assure me he would not accidentally break my neck. . .or any other part of my body for that matter. I give him HUGE kudos for accomplishing this. I then had a fantastic massage and scheduled an appointment for an adjustment a few days later.

I almost didn't go back. This is where the tough love comes in. I knew, deep down in my bones (pun intended), that I needed an adjustment. I have probably needed one for years. I was hurting in so many places and my range of movement was becoming more limited in certain aspects. I was tired of it and I knew I needed to face my fear of the chiropractor if I wanted it to get better. And I did want it to get better. This whole 52 week challenge is about healing and loving and caring for myself. So I went.

Can I just say that my chiropractor is an amazing man? He treated me like a scared five year old. Not because he doesn't know how to interact with adults, but because I was ACTING like a scared five year old. I'm not kidding. I had a hard time even laying down on the table. So then I'm there on the table and I start to freak out as he folds me into a pretzel and twists me in half to crack my low back. He laughed and joked with me and told me how good I was doing. . .and then he started moving my neck around. And I said (more like whimpered), "Oh no, you're going to crack my neck." To which he responded, "Yep, and you are going to do great! Just wiggle your fingers and close your eyes" . . .CRACK!! I think I may have said "Holy shit that was loud!" Probably not the response a five year old would have given.

When it was all over I felt great. Sore, but great at the same time. And the next day I felt even better. I've been back for a second adjustment already and I plan to continue on a regular basis. I knew I had made the right choice and I was proud of myself for facing my fear. . .even if I did act like a five year old during my first adjustment. 

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 5 Love

Just do it. . .

Back in the post from week one, I wrote about my love for treasure hunting at thrift stores, garage sales, Craigslist, and the like. I also talked about my new obsession with crafty, recreated, vintage Pinterest decor ideas. Well, this week's love ties together week one's treasure hunting love and last week's post about encouraging myself.

Last Friday I stopped into a "used to be new" home furnishings store to take a closer look at an antique dresser I had been eyeing online for a couple weeks. The dresser turned out to be a bust, but I enjoyed browsing the rest of the vendor booths at the store and thinking how fun it would be to have my own booth. Out of habit, my mind automatically said, "You can't do something like this. Who would buy your stuff? You aren't crafty enough to do this. You'll just end up wasting a bunch of money and failing." Wow self, thanks for the vote of confidence. As I kept walking around the store the small quiet voice that encouraged me last week started to whisper in my ear, "Just try it. What do you really have to lose? If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But if you don't try you'll never know. Don't sell yourself short by not even trying."

That small voice of encouragement was enough to get me to ask the owner about becoming a vendor. He said vendor turnover is pretty low in the store but that they actually had a vendor that would be leaving at the end of the month if I was interested in filling the space. I got all of the information, thanked him, and told him I would need to do a little thinking before I would be able to commit to renting the space. "A little thinking" may have been an understatement. I spent the next 16 hours letting the small encouraging voice and the loud criticizing voice duke it out in my head.

The next day I drove back to the store. I was so anxious I thought I was going to be sick. But I walked in and told the guy I wanted to rent the space. As soon as I did, I was absolutely ECSTATIC about my new endeavor. I don't know if I'll succeed or fail. But what I know right now is that I am super excited. And I'm proud of my small quiet voice for being able to encourage myself enough to try. Not to mention I now have an outlet for my treasure hunting obsession. And I definitely needed one. My house is way too small to hold all the treasures I have been collecting!

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 4 Love

Think positive. . .

I had my first horse show of the season last weekend. It was a big one, and I was nervous. All I could think about in the days leading up to the show were all the things that could go wrong and all the ways I would screw up. During one of these mini panic sessions, a thought crossed my mind. "You've been practicing a lot lately. Jameson (my horse) is riding exceptionally well this spring. You are going to do just fine at the show. It's going to be great!" Back up. . .did I actually just say something encouraging to myself? Talk about a foreign experience!

Why are we so eager to encourage and build up others and so quick to cut down and belittle ourselves? When I stop and think about it, I rarely say anything nice to myself. In fact, I'm quite hard on myself about everything. I decided after that initial random positive thought crossed my mind that I was going to intentionally keep doing it for the rest of the week leading up to the horse show. And do you know what I discovered? After the initial awkwardness, it felt good to say nice things to myself!

So did all of my positive thinking and encouragement of myself lead me to the most successful horse show I've ever competed in? Well, no. In fact, parts of it were probably the worst my horse and I have ever shown. But there were a couple great moments as well. And in the end, I chose to focus on those. Why? Because they make me feel better about myself then focusing on the bad moments and being hard on myself because of them.

I'm learning that you need to focus on the bad moments temporarily so that you can learn what you need to from them, but then. . .move on. And continue to encourage yourself for the next time. Stop cutting yourself down and start building yourself up and telling yourself how fantastic you are!

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 3 Love

Later. . .

This week's post is late. It's technically last weeks post, but I didn't get around to it. And honestly, I didn't even know what my love act for myself was going to be. It was Saturday and I try to do my post for the week sometime on the weekend. So I was feeling this pressure like I had to hurry up and come up with something and get the post written. I was also feeling all this pressure to get my house clean, start packing for my horse show trip this weekend, meet a friend at the barn to ride, do laundry, and about a hundred other things. Suddenly, all I really wanted to do was take a nap.

Am I the only one that ever happens to? I find that when faced with a multitude of things that seem overwhelimg, I follow one of two extreme paths. I either a) dig in, become extremely focused, and bang out the tasks like nobody's business or b) completely shut down and accomplish nothing. I really seem to have no middle ground here. And what's worse, I seem to have little control over which path I'm going to take when an overwhelming situation arrises. More often than not, the path chooses me. And this weekend, the latter path was the clear winner.

Is one path better than the other? Is path B a "bad path"? I don't think so. I think there are times when accomplishing nothing is exactly what a person needs to accomplish. So what if I didn't get my house clean or finish my laundry. So I didn't start packing for the trip yet. Big deal. So I didn't know what my love action for the week was and my blog post might be late. Oh well. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one reading this blog anyway. My friend wasn't bothered that I didn't get to the barn to ride at the same time she happened to be riding. We'll meet up again soon.

I sat there on my couch on Saturday afternoon and thought to myself "Are any of these things going to matter in a year? Heck, are any of them going to matter next week?" As soon as I realized the answer was no, I promptly laid down and took a two hour nap. And then spent the evening being lazy and clearing up some space on my very full DVR. And in doing so, I realized that I had just completed my love action for the week. I allowed myself to put off things that were making me feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Things that in the grand scheme of things, had no business making me feel stressed.

It may seem like I gave up productivity in exchange for accomplishing nothing, but in retrospect I think it was really something.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Week 2 Love

Massage

Who doesn't love a massage? Ok, I'll admit, it takes me awhile to warm up to them. I'm one of those people that has an overly large personal space bubble. And let's be honest, if a massage therapist isn't all up in your personal space, then they aren't doing their job.

So I'm laying there on the table under this nice soft blanket, wearing nothing but my panties (nice ones of course, because even though the therapist isn't actually going to see them, I feel like I should be wearing something nice for the occasion). The room is warm, there is relaxing music playing, and I feel like I might fall asleep. Enter the massage therapist, which immediately triggers my personal bubble awareness alarm. "REALLY?" I ask my brain in that exasperated tone I take with myself sometimes. "You know this is going to feel amazing, and you know your're going to love it. So shut up, relax, and enjoy this week's display of love for yourself." Eventually my brain quiets down and I get to the point where I could care less about my personal bubble. I'm sure the aroma of the massage oils and the hot towels have something to do with it. I don't know when hot towels laying on your back became one of the most fantastic things EVER, but they are.

Thirty minutes later it was over. . .and I was jello. I spent the rest of the evening melted into my couch and then went to bed at 9pm. It was bliss. I'm pretty sure I'll work a few more massages into the next 50 weeks.

How have you love yourself this week?

Week 1 Love

Treasure Hunting

There's something you should know about me. . .I love bargain hunting. I love garage sales, thrift stores, flea markets, Craigslist, consignment shops, etc. I also love the shabby chic, re-purposed look. With the invention of Pinterest, the addiction only got worse. I have pinned all KINDS of projects and decor ideas I want to try. The problem is, I don't considered myself crafty or creative. But hey, the next 52 weeks is about remembering who I am and loving that person right? Who knows, maybe I will find out I AM crafty and creative. So, in the meantime, I'll keep pinning away.

There were a lot of things I should have done this weekend, none of them were shop. My house is a mess, the laundry is piling up, and the refrigerator is looking pretty empty. But I decided that I wasn't going to do any of those things. Instead, I decided to love myself this weekend by visiting a couple of my favorite treasure hunting locations and making a Craigslist purchase.

There is something so personal about shopping at second hand stores. Every item has it's own story. Like that dresser with the red crayon scribble and the half torn off glittery sticker on the inside of the drawer. How old was the child who put those there? Was it a boy or a girl? I'm guessing a girl, considering the glittery sticker and all. Did her mom catch her or did she get away with it? What about the black spaghetti strap formal dress? Did the girl where it to her prom? Did the boy she went with break her heart in the end? Or did she marry her high school sweetheart? The old trunk with the yellowing, pealing paper on the inside and the missing leather strap handle. Where has been? Across the country? Across the world? What was in it while it traveled?

The most poignant ones for me are the old photos. What we may see as a cool vintage photo and frame that will complete the look in our cozy spare bedroom is actually a moment in another human being's life. What was that person's name? What where they thinking at the moment the photo was taken? How did that person's family photos end up in a second hand thrift store? It makes you realize that someday you, and everyone that ever knew you, will be gone from this earth. Every possession you ever held dear will either become trash, or be left to people who know nothing about you. It reminds you that life is fleeting, and that the cliche saying, 'The most important things in life aren't things' is actually true.

So this weekend I loved myself by looking through and purchasing someone else's lost treasures. I posted a picture of some of them below. I hope I do them justice.

How have you loved yourself this week?

Who do you love?

Who do you love? It's a valid question. A question we are all asked at some point, and one we ask others.

Who do you love?

Is it your family? Your friends? Your children? Your pets? Your boyfriend or girlfriend? Your God? These are all real answers, valid answers. They are important answers. But are they the most important?

Who do you love?

Is the answer ever yourself?

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines "self-love" as a) conceit and b) regard for one's own happiness or advantage. It then lists synonyms such as egotism, pridefulness, smugness, and vanity. Why does the concept of loving oneself carry such a negative connotation in much of today's society? It seems that many of us have either been taught, or drawn the conclusion from personal experience, that loving ourselves should take a back seat to loving others.

I have spent years attempting to please those that love me, and even those that didn't love me. I focus on what I need to do to gain acceptance from others. I frett about what the "right" decisions are and how my decisions look in the eyes of others. I let other's opinions of me build me up, or tear me down. I agonize about not meeting the expectations of those that love me. And over time, I have not only lost love for myself, I have lost sight of myself completely. I'm not just in the back seat, I am in the trunk.

The trunk is a dark, empty, scary place to be once you realize you are there. And you really only have two options once the full realization of the situation hits you. Option number one is to kick out a tail light, see the light, and fight your way out. Option number two. . .is to stay there and die. This blog is about option number one. It's about getting back into the driver's seat of my own life. It's about embracing the uniqueness that is me, and not letting the opinions of others assign my worth. It's about reestablishing a love relationship with myself. . .one week at a time. Every week for 52 weeks I will take the time to intentionally show love to myself in some way, shape, or form.

Are you in the back seat of your own life? The passenger seat? Or, heaven forbid, you are in the trunk like me. Regardless of where you are, maybe you will want to join me on this journey. I would love to hear your stories of self love.

I'm asking you now. . .Who do you love?