You may have noticed there was no post last week, and this week's post is already late. Ironically, I knew what I needed to write about last week. I even started the post and saved an outline of the content as a draft. . . .and then let it sit there all week. Because honestly, I didn't want to talk about it. I STILL don't want to talk about it. I thought about just writing off the missing week 20 post with some cute, flippant excuse. But when I sat down to write the post for week 21, I quickly realized that I wasn't going to be able to move on to any other subject until what I was struggling with made it from my head to this blog. So what's so important that it's getting two weeks worth of blog posts?
The What If Game
Can we all just take a moment and agree that this is the worst game ever? No one ever wins the What If game. And yet, WE ALL KEEP PLAYING IT! I've been playing (or should I say losing) the What If game non stop the last few weeks. I've been thinking about all of the profound realizations I've come to since starting this blog. Embracing the amazing transformations and growth I've seen in myself along the way, and reveling in the wonderful feeling that comes from loving yourself, and your life, just as you are in that very minute. And then, all of a sudden, there it is. . .what if.
The What If game is the most dangerous when you play it with your past. My personal version of the game right now is "What if. . .I had been the person I am now back then?". This round of the game has taken me down all kinds of roads lately, none of them good. I've been questioning how decisions, opportunities, and relationships in my past might have been different if I was who I am now, back then. I've been wondering what I have missed out on while not being true to myself. Would I have chosen the path of success as defined by others in an attempt to win approval? Would I have taken that amazing job opportunity that I was too afraid would reveal me as a failure? Would I be sharing my life with some of the most amazing, spiritual people I have ever met? And most painful of all, if I was the person I am now back then, would he have fallen in love with me?
The What If game is cruel. And it is counterproductive to everything this blog is about. Everything in my past, the questionable choices, missed opportunities, broken relationships, and unrequited love have ALL made me the person I am today. I could not be who I am today if those things had not happened. So how could I possibly have been the "new" me back then? And even if, in some twisted universe, it WAS possible, whose to say the outcome of all of those things wouldn't be the same? Or even worse? Where would that leave the "new" me? I'll tell you where. . .back in the trunk. (if you aren't following, read my first blog post Who Do You Love?)
We can love our old self, and we can love our new self. The past was a catalyst for the creation of our new self. Let's do that new self justice by focusing on the amazing life unfolding before us.
How have you loved yourself this week?
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